Saying Goodbye

I've had this post in my draft for over a week but I just need to finish it and post it.

Over Christmas I got news that my father, not my step-dad who raised me but my real biological father, was not doing so well. He was battling cancer that had spread from his bones to all over his body through out the past 8 years.

If you know me well you know that I didn't have a relationship with him. He and my mom divorced when I was a preschooler and we saw him every other weekend until I was about 10 yrs. After that we'd only see him every few years without any phone calls or cards. I didn't feel lost as I had an awesome stepdad that fathered us like we were his own. When I went to college in Lynchburg, I discovered that he lived nearby so I decided to contact him. I reached out to him with a forgiving heart. I really held no grudge despite his choice to not be in contact with us. I found him in the midst of battling bone cancer. I spent a good amount of moments by his bedside. The day I married Robbie was the last day I would ever lay eyes on him again. That was 8 years ago. I sent him a card with a wedding portrait in it along with a message for him to call me and he never did. I NEEDED him to initiate contact and he didn't. I came to terms that he never would after a few years.

On Christmas Eve I got the call that he had died from his cancer. I had mixed emotions about it all. Of course it hurts to lose a parent, no matter how close you are to them. I won't miss him as I've had to deal with the possibility of never seeing him for long periods of time or the real possibility for the rest of my life.

I feel sorry for him. I know he missed out on great times with his kids and grandkids. You know he has 6 grandkids and had not met a single one! He wasn't alone. He had remarried and had a 12 yr. old son, Casey. Sitting at his funeral was hard as all of his kids were there in the same room and he wasn't really there to see it or be with us.

He was a very shy, quiet, timid man. He would smile a lot but didn't have many words. I do believe he lacked confidence and guts to call us. I feel that he missed us but I won't ever know. Never leave anyone wondering how you feel about them.